literature

Devious and Debbie Power hour

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Debbie loved Google-Books, it was great because it let you read bits and pieces of books for absolutely free. It also had some weird magical books on it and honestly those books cost like eight hundred bucks to buy, so cheating and cribbing notes was a good idea. She’d been wanting to add some muscle to the team but shockingly nobody wanted to join a team of four absolute nobodies to protect the city for no pay….

Who’d have thought right?

So Debbie was looking into summoning magic, it was a tricky thing to master and nine times out of ten it ended in someone getting stabbed or eaten by something from another dimension. But she was sure if she lowered the doses and ingredients a bit she could summon smaller things. She was attempting her first potion now.

The idea would be to mix all of a potion except the catalyst ingredient which she’d carry around. If she needed a minion she could dump the catalyst into a potion, shake firmly and throw it at somebody. Boom! Insta-minion.  

“No Google-books I do not want to buy a membership just show me the next page,” she hissed scrolling through the pages with one hand while she mashed up lizard bones in a bowl. Getting the ingredients was a pain, most of them were weird stuff that would surely give her a very internet search history.

“Grind up the bones of a sunbathed lizard, the milk of pestilence,” she poured sour milk into the bowl gagging as she did so, “then add a child’s tears….” Debbie yelled out loud. “Nancy! Come here!”

Nancy’s head stretched into the kitchen on an overly long neck. “Yeeeeeeeeees?” She droned as she looked at the bowl in front of Debbie her face paled. “Is that one of them like…diet milkshakes? If so I don’t want one, it looks gross…and the milk is lumpy.”

“No.” Debbie replied. “Nancy do you still cry when you think about kittens exploding?” She asked and Nancy teared up. “Cause kittens are exploding right now Nancy, right now! There is an evil kitten exploder exploding kittens down town.” She said and Nancy bawled out loud.

“I AM COMING KITTIES!” She screamed tears streaming down her face and into the bowl of ingredients that Debbie was collecting. Nancy bolted out the front door her head whipping around on a too long neck as she took off toward downtown to punch crime in its face.

“Thanks.” Debbie said once she was gone. She returned to her tablet and looked down the list of ingredients. Common stuff from here on out. Eye of a dumb lizard, teeth of a bat, horses whinny all that good magical nonsense.

“Once mixed to a foamy green consistency.” she placed an automatic whisker into the bowl and set it to turbo. She bets older witches woulda loved this thing, no hours of long grinding just set it up and walk away. “Place in cauldron and leave to sit for….how many hours? Oh hell no.” Debbie groaned.

She checked the whisker and then turned it off. The thing was greasy and foamy and bubbly and altogether horrid looking. “I don’t have a cauldron umm.” She looked around. “Basically the same thing,” she said settling on a microwave and jamming the potion inside. She set it to high and then set the time to about three minutes. “That should do it.”

She stood there and watched the little mixture turn around in the microwave, slowly bubbles would boil over the top of the little bowl and then pop. Until one bubble didn’t pop, it just stayed there and slowly filled with green liquid. Slowly grew bulkier and larger.

“Yes!” Debbie crowed as the little shape grew solid, at the top of the bubble grew a group of little horns and then a jagged wavy line across the surface of the bubble. Then the little line wobbled up and down a few times.

“Yes!” Debbie said and then the bubble grew a big pair of eyes that looked out at her, a wavy line across the top and then there was something all at once familiar and horrifying about those eyes and those teeth and that hair.

“NO!” She screamed and the microwave exploded, sending her flying backward into the other wall. She flopped off it, face covered in a thick black shadow from the explosion. The microwave seemed to be a giant mess of darkness and from inside floated out a tiny sphere.

“WAAAAAAAAT UP!?” The sphere said out of a tiny mouth. A swishing tail floating just below the thing, making it look for all the world like a big balloon. “Ohhhh it’s you!” The thing said.

“NO!” Debbie said picking up a cutting board and smashing the balloon form of Devious in the…well all of it. Its whole body was its face. The little orb was shot back into the microwave. Debbie slammed the board over the front of the microwave and held it there.

Devious had kidnapped her not too long ago to compete in some awful cosmic contest and now he was back…and she had no backup. She looked around for a phone as the board began to vibrate, clearly Devious was doing something to try and escape.

Debbie heard a sound like a buzz saw going from inside the microwave and then the cutting board started to spray woodchips. Debbie shrieked and leapt back as Devious chewed his way through the chopping board. He spat wood all over the counter tops and smiled down at Debbie.

“Sup, couldn’t stay away huh? I know I’m super irresistible to everyone.” He declared laughing. “Oh man is this your place?” He flew into the other room busting through the wall. Debbie watched in horror as he just sort of flew through everything shattering it without thought.

“Man your TV is small, your sofa small, your fridge is small! It’s all so small are you like poor or something?” Devious asked tittering as he bobbed in the air.

“No!” Debbie shrieked at the little orb. “Get out of my house. I unsummon you!”  She waved her arms around and Devious didn’t exactly go anywhere. “Oh damn it.”

“Yeah no that’s not how you do it.” Devious said as he bobbed in the air. His tongue poked out slicked back his hair before sliding back into his mouth. “Yer stuck with me babe.”

“Oh god kill me now.” Debbie said and Devious let out a sad sound. “What you suck, come on. I don’t even like you. You kidnapped me.”

“Now you kidnapped me! See lookit this, summoning me and stuff. I coulda been naked! Or in bed! Or naked in BED!” Devious said. “Now you’re the kidnapper! See you’re the badguy this time. So I gotta defend myself.”

Devious leaned to one side and bit down on the arm of the couch effortlessly lifting it from the ground. “SMASH!” He slammed it down on Debbie’s head once, twice, three times and the girl found that her spine had pretty much become an accordion as she rose and sank out of a small crater in the ground.

“Ow!” She said, a few teeth falling out. Clearly Devious messing with reality had followed him to this dimension. “Tell me how to send you home.”

“I dunno look at the spell book.” Devious said and Debbie did indeed look at her tablet. The return spell was hidden on a “you must be a member” to view page.

“Oh god.” Debbie said, feeling like she was gonna cry. “Are you gonna mess me up?”

“You kidnapped me! I gotta! You taught me that!” Devious said floating off into the kitchen. Debbie tried to fix herself or reach for her phone. It was just there. But Devious returned dragging the fridge into the living room by the power chord.

“I gotta make sure you can’t hurt anyone else! I gotta make sure you can’t do this to anyone else.” Devious said his long tongue lashing out to open the fridge. Inside was a good deal of food, they’d just gone for a store run and so it was full of stuff.

“HA HA. Now we shall stop your march of terror before it starts.” Devious hoisted up a large bottle of soda. “Now say aaaaaaaaah.”

Debbie screamed.

“Hey that’s right!” Devious said dumping the soda into her mouth.

---

Nancy returned late in the evening. Soaked in sweat as she’d spent all day hunting the kitten exploder. She walked in to see Debbie stuck in the ground, it had broken up around her as she was clearly much too fat for the floor to hold her up. There was a tiny orb floating next to her that was stuffing a turkey into her mouth by head-butting it.

“Oh…hey.” Nancy said.

“Hey.” Devious said.

“What cha doing?” Nancy asked looking at Debbie. Debbie made a chocking sob at the sight of her best friend. “Torturing my friend?”

“Maybe.” Devious said. “She kidnapped me.”

“Debbie DID you?” Nancy said sounding like a stern mother. Debbie screeched around the turkey and shook her head. “I gotta believe my friend.”

“But she’s a kidnapper.” Devious said. “Kidnappers lie a bunch.”

“Look get outta here.” Nancy said and a dark portal opened in the air sucking Devious away into his original realm.

“BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE” he said before vanishing. The portal said “Poof.”

Debbie started to cry as Nancy put her hands on her hips. “Man….maybe I should be the team wizard.” She looked at Debbie. “I’m gonna order take out…I think you already ate all our dinner…you want anything?”

Debbie spat out the turkey. “NO! NO MORE FOOD EVER! EVER!”

A short story I was lovingly asked to write featuring the cast of :icondaemonking: and :iconcomical-weapon: getting better acquainted. Not my usual forte but it's fun to challenge yourself, innit?
© 2016 - 2024 Mr-Undisclosed
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